FIRST DIARY ENTRY! (15/1/2025)
feeling: pumped 
♬ currently listening: in the eye by suzanne vega ♬
My First diary/blog entry!! ok I thought I would start with why and how I made this website.
I've wanted to create my own site for years now, social media is just so tedious to use and i've started to get really anxious when I open the apps. I know the purpose of social media is to be social, but apart from instagram, which makes me anxious/gives the need to perform, every other platform I use is just full of discourse that gets tiring to keep up with – its only good for mutual aid and other meaningful stuff yk? But stay on those apps for too long and the algorithms start pushing garbage towards you.
Anyways, so i've wanted to move away from most of that and make my own site, also to work on my web dev skills as I took a course on it years ago and lost interest in it after that.
I quit my job in August of 2024, because my job was so shit I was literally getting sick from all the stress, I ended up in hospital (to put it short, I had to do overtime for most of my colleagues and I lived 2 hrs away from my job that I had to attend 6 days a week at that point and my manager was a bully on top of just & dealing with shitty rude customers everyday).
Everything was chill for about 2 weeks until I heard my mum was admitted to the hospital, it was then 3 months of going to the hospital every day which meant all the money I saved from my job was spent on the hospital (because my grandma ended up in hospital in the middle of my mum being there too so I had to look after 2 people!!!!), and then having to deal with the nurses in some of the wards I had to go to taking the opportunity to bully me, like I just couldn't escape the stupid high school behaviour from these seemingly grown adults, not from my job and not from the hospital either (nurses are NEVER beating those allegations its actually a joke at this point)
So really hard 3 months, not much time to do anything, but I found over those 3 months I needed to do stuff to distract myself so I dont end up in hospital again myself – I decided to start working on my website again.
The thing is I spent about 2 months looking at other people's sites it made me feel so incompetent about my own skills, so I gave up.
Then my mum died.
I had no energy to do anything, I would just sleep all day and find every little thing frustrating, as well as having to plan her funeral and get it done before most of my family members had to fly back home.
I couldn't muster up the energy to start on this again until I tried to kill myself earlier this month (not getting into that right now) and I ended up not dead but just very sick and tired. I felt I needed to find something to do with myself until I get on my feet again, indulge in a hobby/interest before I lose all this free time I have right now when I get a job.
Starting on this again is my saving grace, I want to live on so I can continue on this. It's so much fun, all the stuff I found over the last few months have really come in handy and im really in the groove.
I might make another entry, this feels like its a little long. I have alottt to talk to about. I'm loving this.